It is not very often your life changes so much that it can never be the same again. Or maybe it is often. I'm not entirely sure, but it has happened to me and when things like this happen, it seems like you are the only one in the world who has ever felt __________. Whatever it is that I feel.

I haven't posted in a very long time - reason being: I do not have internet access and all of my journal/blog areas are blocked here at the library (except this one, apparantly.) And if I never post here again, I guess they have figured me out. So it goes.

So here we go... On August 4th, Dan and I got married (yay!). Best day of my life, hands down.

On October 8th, Dan's mom died at the age of 41 (it has taken me this long to write that word, and I still can't say it when using it about her.) Worst day of my life, hands down.

I feel like people don't get it when I tell them... she was my mother-in-law. We lived with her. Together. In the same house. I loved her. She helped me plan our wedding. She threw me a wedding shower. She bought me birthday presents, told me stories about Dan as a kid, watched movies with me, ate lunch with me... She was, in essence, my mom. And she's really really not here anymore.

Maybe I'm writing this moreso for me to understand.

So the big burning question... what happened?

we dont know. On October 8th, (it was a monday) we called and she didn't answer. No big deal. But then she didn't come home. Big deal. We went out looking for her... found her car at a local hotel. Called the police to check. They told us that she had passed away.

Autopsy results say that she suffered "citalopram toxicity in conjunction with arythmogenic ventricular dysplasia" (ARVD). Human terms? Depression medicine reacted with her heart... made it stop beating.

So here we go... how come someone can't just make it start again? I'm not sure if this is something that can be comprehended, but seriously... Why is this irreversable? If you break a leg, you get it fixed. If your heart is bad, they give you a new one. So why, when it stops beating, is it absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to make it work again? How could that literally be it? This is driving me crazy. I'm sure it seems obvious... well because she is gone. She died. But, I mean... why??? Because this has been the most unfair thing to ever happen. She was only 41 years old, she struggled so much, she was going through a divorce because her husband of 20 years found someone else, her daughter wanted almost nothing to do with her, her only son got married, she had thousands of dollars in credit card debt... did she not struggle enough? I mean, sure, she's not hurting anymore. Call me when someone close to you dies and tell me if that is any real consolation. Because it's not.

So there. It's out. Dan and I have been married just over 6 months and every single day is an absolute struggle. He is in so much pain. His mom is gone. I have become all that he has left, and I am in pain, too. But I can't really talk to him about it too much because it is just absolutely unbearable for him to comprehend.

And my family is in pain on top of this. Anyone who knows anything about me knows that my family is my life. So I lost my husbands mom, my uncle and aunt are struggling to stay above water, and it seems like a losing battle, my sister and her husband are hard-pressed, my brother needs money, my mom and step-dad can't afford the place where they live, their relationship is, hence, struggling, and my real dad had a major heart attack.. but he is still getting drunk on a regular basis instead of taking care of his heart.

Hard times in the Rock household. But we love eachother so much it's crazy. I have such a good marriage, and that I am beyond grateful for.

The end.